His Name
by Hiasobi
Summary: Because Hikaru is only one little boy. Because Kouyo was a man who always stared across the Goban to an empty seat. Because Sai was and is. Hikaru makes a different choice that day in the Hospital.
1. Prologue

**Title:** His Name  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summery:** Because Hikaru is only one little boy. Because Kouyo was a man who always stared across the Goban to an empty seat. Because Sai was and _is_. Hikaru makes a different choice that day in the Hospital.

* * *

Prologue

" ...You play 'net Go."

The concept whirled around and around in his head. The possibility...it was like something that had been impossible before was now within reach. He had to try. He had to at least try.

" I don't...play internet Go, but...I know... someone who does. And he really...really wants to play you...Touya-sensei."

Hikaru wondered if he was saying too much, and if he was really going to go through with this. His heart was beating overtime and the anticipation almost hurt. Touya-sensei was silent and was just watching him. He bit his bottom lip and drew up the last of his courage.

" His name on the 'net is... Sai."

There it was; there was no turning back. After so long and so many lies spoken to deny the connection between the two of them, he was exposing it all.

" S-A-I. His name is Sai."

_- Hikaru! - _

He felt Sai's astonishment and confusion, but he ignored him for now. Now all that was important was Touya-sensei's reply. He was almost able to get Sai his one desire: an even game with Touya Kouyo.

" I know of him."

Hikaru snapped his head to stare at Touya-sensei in shock.

" Ogata-kun once showed me his game against Akira. He's an acquaintance of yours?"

He swallowed. This was the last step. He wouldn't be able to take these words back once he said them.

" Yes." Hikaru pushed himself off the sofa. " P-Please don't tell anyone! About Sai and me." He had to keep the secret, or everything done in the past two years would have been for naught. " Sai...has always wanted to play you Touya-sensei but since he can only play internet Go..."

" Why? Why is that? What is his real name?" Touya-sensei looked at him.

" Name..." He looked away, that was Sai's real name.

" You won't even give me his name?"

He sat back down. Should he or shouldn't he...he was asking Touya-sensei for a lot. Being a multiple titleholder like him, a game wasn't easily attained. But was it worth it?

" He's not a pro?"

He looked down at the floor; beside him Hikaru could feel Sai just waiting for him to play the rest of this move out.

" ...He's a friend."

Touya-sensei closed his eyes. " It's common for a strong player to want to play against a pro. But I don't approve of this hiding of his identity." His words were said to be understanding, but he turned away. " Call him here, I'll play him anytime. Not on the internet."

He felt a sinking feeling inside of him. So much had ridden on this, and he couldn't pull it off. _...It failed... I'm sorry, Sai. _

_But I'm right here! _He looked up to Sai's passion filled words. _Prepare the board and stones! I'm right here! _

_Sai..._ Behind the words Hikaru could feel the sadness and desperation. Sai was right there, but no one could see or sense him. Sai wanted to play Go and to prove his existence. Hikaru felt his heart clench. He had to try again. He had to succeed.

" You saw the game that Sai played against Touya. So you know Sai's strength, right?"

" I have no doubts about his strength," Touya-sensei said, " but in that game, Akira lost because of his inability to read ahead. I would have won."

The absolute confidence and carelessness that the Meijin said those words sparked the fierce look in Sai's eyes. Hikaru fisted his hands.

" Well, you can't tell a person's true strength unless you play them yourself." Touya-sensei acceded.

Hikaru jumped up. " Then please play him! Just once. Please!" he begged. " On the Internet...because he...he...can only play on the Internet." Hikaru felt his argument slipping again and felt frustrated. He was never going to convince Touya-sensei this way.

" All right."

He snapped his head towards the Meijin in surprise...

" It will be a good break between games of the important 10-Dan finals."

_A good break!?_

Hikaru looked towards Sai. _Sai, you still get to play. _He tried to cheer the ghost up, then turned back to Akira father. " Thank you very much. But about me and Sai...please keep it a secret."

" As you wish." Touya-sensei agreed, " But even if he has reason to remain hidden, it doesn't change the fact that the is a sketchy figure. I only agreed because you were so passionate."

Hikaru sighed, it wasn't fair but this was the best he was going to get.

" When shall we play?"

" Anytime..." Hikaru said a bit let down but still grasping his chance. " If it's okay with you, then even tomorrow."

" Haha. Wait until I get more used to this." Touya-sensei said pointing to the laptop. " It's different from holding stones."

Hikaru understood. He had trouble and had made a few mistakes the first while he had been learning to use the computer as well. " Then next week?"

" Yeah, the game 4 for the 10-Dan is on Thursday. A day off then on Saturday would be best. It won't interfere with the important game 5 the following week."

Hikaru moved forward to agree but then Sai's thoughts came through.

_I wasn't...I wasn't seeking this kind of game. _

_Sai... _

Hikaru wanted to tell him to cheer up and to stop being so picky. A game with Meijin Touya Kouyo wasn't so easily arranged. Most pros had to wait years for a game. And here they were able to arrange a game within a week and for their convenience as well. Sai should be thankful. Sai should be thankful... but...Hikaru clenched his fists.

Hikaru understood. Sai stood off to the side in this life, unseen and unable to touch anything. The feel of the goban and the go stones...did he even remember them anymore? The feeling of your opponent staring right at you instead slightly to the right, or left, or lower then where you sat - the knowledge that your partner knew your name, and your existence.

Hikaru's nails bit into his palm. He understood. All Sai had left was his passion for Go, and his desire for bettering his formidable skill. And the acknowledgement of his opponents who looked within the game and saw him.

Sai existed for and within his Go. Sai's Go was all he had left and all that he was. If someone he wanted so much to acknowledge treated it so carelessly...if Touya had seen a game with Hikaru as a good break instead of severe seriousness...

That would defeat everything. The game would serve no purpose.

And here he was trying to convince Sai to accept such a game, to treat him and his existence, as if it didn't really matter at all.

It wasn't right.

" Um...Please play seriously." Hikaru said.

" Of course." Touya-sensei replied, but it still wasn't what they wanted.

Hikaru looked down at the floor. Everything would be so much easier if they just went along with it. The game would happen, Sai and Touya-sensei would get to play each other, the day would pass, and no one would be the wiser.

And nothing would happen. But it would also mean nothing. Nothing would happen because the game would mean nothing.

Sai...Sai standing to his right, pale face turned away and long hair to obscure Hikaru from his expression. But Hikaru knew Sai was hurt.

" Can...can I think about it a bit more?" He asked, let his bangs fall down to cover his eyes.

_Hikaru? _

" Of course, Shindo-kun."

Hikaru nodded and got up. " I'll come visit again, Touya-sensei. Please...prepare for the game on Saturday. I look forward to the match."

" Ah. So will I."

_Hikaru? What are you doing?_

The teen ignored the ghost as he bowed in farewell to Touya's father and walked out.

_Hikaru! _

**. : our future starts here : . **


	2. Chapter One

**Title:** His Name  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summery:** Because Hikaru is only one little boy. Because Kouyo was a man who always stared across the Goban to an empty seat. Because Sai was and _is_. Hikaru makes a different choice that day in the Hospital.

* * *

Chapter One

Touya Kouyo, Meijin, won the Game 4 of the 10-Dan title. Hikaru stared at the computer screen flashing with the Go-related announcements quietly. The teenager felt Sai's silent presence behind him reading over his shoulder, and slowly peeked out to stare at his friend out of the corner of his eyes.

Sai's face was set in a determination. His crystal blue eyes were hard with the light of his thoughts but slowly, as Hikaru watched, the fierce set of conviction changed into the expression of a lost little child. Hikaru's heart clenched. Sai stared at the screen without sound or movement, wandering in his thoughts but his face was tinged with the edge of sadness.

Every night Sai spent studying fiercely the kifus of his adversary, what did Touya Kouyo do at the same time? Every day Hikaru spent chasing after Akira, did the other boy think of him at all? He locked his jaw.

It wasn't fair.

He turned Akari away that night as Sai's face was set in a hard, unreadable expression as he prepared for the game tomorrow. Hikaru spent the night being unmercifully crushed and feeling as inferior as he had when he first started to learn.

_. : - : ._

Saturday morning came on the wings of weary thoughts. He pulled on his jeans and a white shirt. Sai was quietly standing by the window, looking out at the clear blue sky impassively before the set of his face turned into fierce determination.

Hikaru slid on his jacket: black body, white sleeves, striped collar, and a number 5 over the left breastplate. He turned away from Sai and opened his drawer, staring down at the items inside. Slowly he reached out for his wallet and keys from the middle. His cell phone lay next to his portable go-board and mp3 player, a small pad of paper for notes was on the opposite side with an ink pen.

" Hikaru?"

He looked at Sai. He stood by the window, sunlight setting his dark hair to shine and the white of his robes bright. The older man looked at him gently.

" Shall we go?"

Sai smiled but beneath the joy, pride, determination, was a tinge of bittersweet sadness: the knowledge that your opponent would not meet you truly with all his strength. Hikaru's hands fisted and he shoved his belongings jerkily into his pockets before slamming the drawer shut.

" Let go." The teenager said and led them out.

The streets were filled with neighbours starting their day and children ran past him. He walked the distance to the station and found a seat in the half-empty compartment. Sai followed him silently; eyes closed as he sat down next to Hikaru, trusting the boy knew where they were headed as he mentally reviewed his strategy. Perhaps he could move the Meijin to respond serious enough if he placed his stone right.

Hikaru was quietly grim beside him, but did not speak or reach out mentally for the entire ride, of which Sai was grateful. Which was why when they got off the train and walked out into the city streets, it was not until they were at their destination did Sai realize where they were headed.

" Hikaru?" Sai asked the boy as he gliding next to him into the hospital. " Hikaru?" he repeated to the non-responding boy, " What are we doing here?"

" I want to talk to him again." The teenager said. " I want to change his mind."

" Hikaru..." The ghost trailed off, but the boy did not elaborate.

When they entered the room, they were met with Touya-sensei awake and sitting up in bed, the laptop opened in front of him on the moving prop table. A pretty middle-aged woman was by the sink, pulling fruit out of a bag.

" Oh." She said startled.

Hikaru blinked at her. " Um...who're you?"

_Hikaru!_ Sai yelled. _That's rude!_

" I mean, who are you?" he tried again, bowing his head flustered in apology, " Ma'am."

" Shindou-kun." The Meijin intercepted polite, " This is my wife. Akiko, this is Shindou Hikaru. A beginner-dan."

" Ah." Akira's mother said. " Welcome."

" Nice to meet you!" He bowed again. Then looked up from her to the Meijin.

" Akiko." The Meijin interrupted. " Perhaps if you will leave for a while. Shindou-kun and I have something to discuss."

" Alright." She said moving towards the door, " Shall I have a 'no disturbance' sign put on your door?"

Hikaru and the Meijin looked at each other, and the titleholder tilted his head in agreement. " Yes, please do."

She looked at the two of them and smiled gently. " I'll be back in an hour or two. Try not to stress too much?"

The Meijin laughed softly and agreed. Touya Akiko nodded and bowed slightly in farewell to Hikaru. Hikaru, flustered, bowed back deeper. The click of the door was final inside the room air. The Meijin closed the laptop and pushing the prop table a bit back, looked at Hikaru calmly.

" Shindou-kun." The man acknowledged.

" Touya-sensei." He said in greeting. " I...came here in regards to the game we agreed on scheduled for today."

" Yes," The older Touya replied, " with your friend Sai, was it not?"

He watched Sai stare at the Meijin but the Go pro looked only at Hikaru. The fire in Sai's eyes was hard to bear. He took a breath and looked into the eyes of the multi-title holder.

" I wanted you to take the game seriously."

" I always take my games seriously." The older man replied solemnly.

" Not like that!" Hikaru burst. " Not like a practice game with just anybody! But with pride and control, like a serious game with another pro! Like one you can't lose! Like-"

_Hikaru! _

He stopped, breathing heavy. The Meijin watched him silently in response. Hikaru swallowed.

" I want this to be a _serious_ game, with all your skill. Because Sai's been looking forward to this for a long time, Touya-sensei." He said earnestly, hoping the titleholder would somehow understand.

" And yet, he won't come in person." The Meijin said carefully.

Hikaru deflated. " He can, only play on the internet."

" Only play on the internet." The Meijin repeated.

Hikaru nodded miserably.

" And you won't give me his name." He continued.

Hikaru stuck his hands into his pockets. He stared at the floor fixedly and clenched his hands around the items in his pocket.

" Go is go." Hikaru muttered. " Why does it matter what he looks like and what his name is."

_Hikaru._ Sai said sternly in reproach at his sulking tone.

Hikaru winced, but did not apologize.

" I am not interested in hidden talents." The Meijin said and Hikaru snapped his head up. " If he is as strong as you say and believe, he would end up showing himself sooner or later."

There was a pause. The Meijin's gaze was steady but Hikaru did not reply. From his side, he could feel Sai's pain at those worlds. Because they were not true: Sai could not show himself to the world, his time in the physical world has ended a thousand years ago. Now all he had was his love of the game and his incorporeal form, which only Hikaru could see. Sai could not reveal himself to the world, no matter how much he wanted to. He could not even feel the touch of a Go stone any more.

" Your opponent's true strength can only be seen when you play him yourself, right?" Hikaru asked, tilting his chin up in challenge as he repeated those words from their last encounter. " This isn't a game to be played as a break between your matches."

" Shindou-kun..."

_Hikaru, that's enough._ Sai said. _I'll take what he can offer._

_That wasn't the game you were looking for!_ Hikaru shouted back.

Sai looked away. _We ask too much of him. He is correct in saying he should have a choice to see the face of his opponent, if it is a game that must be played. _

Sai's acceptance hurt. Touya-sensei's words, because they should have been correct, hurt. His own failing powers in not being able to do anything hurt. The way Sai's shoulders fell in almost defeat about the question of his very existence, hurt the worst.

He yanked his hand out of his pocket and marched forward to slam the object onto the side table by the bed.

Sai and Touya-sensei both looked at him silently as he slowly pulled his tremblingly hand off the item. It was terrifying, the idea of what he was about to do, but he saw no way out of it, not if he was to get what he desired. His hand felt numb as he dropped it back to his side.

He stared down at the rectangular plastic surface of his portable Goban. The magnetic stones inside had clattered against each other when he had slammed it down.

" Play with me." He said. _Sai._ " The next time we played would be an even game," he looked up to meet the Meijin's eyes, " right Touya-sensei?"

_Hikaru, what are you doing?_ Sai questioned.

_Sai, you play._

_What! Hikaru!_

Touya-sensei slowly nodded. " I believe that is correct."

He took a breath, ignored Sai _(Hikaru, what are you doing!)_ and spoke. " Play with me, now. An even game. With no handicaps." He swallowed. " And from this game, decide whether it would be worth it or not, and what we should do afterwards."

_Hikaru..._

_We have to let him know Sai. I can't...I can't keep this from him and let you have what you want as well. _

_Hikaru..._ Sai's voice was watery.

The Meijin watched Hikaru's unfocused, fiercely determined eyes. " Alright. We shall play. I expect an explanation at the end of the game, Shindou-kun."

Hikaru flinched but jerked his head in a nod.

The older man turned to observe the folded board at his side. Hikaru walked over to the back of the room to grab a folding chair and brought it over to the table. He sat down, opened the portable Goban and scooped the coloured magnetic stones out and sorted them.

Sai was silently watchful from the side.

" Shall we nigiri?" Hikaru said softly fisting a small batch.

The Meijin tilted his head. The counted the stones. The Meijin was black, and Hikaru was white. The intensity of the room rose exponentially at the prospect of a game that meant much.

The Meijin placed a stone on the upper left star.

_Sai._ Hikaru mentally voiced quietly. _It's your game._

Hikaru. Sai's voice came tight. _Thank you._

Hikaru took a deep breath, closed his eyes sunk into Sai for the time of the game. Sai looked over the board and then flicked a glance up at his solemn opponent. A fire burned.

_17-3._

Hikaru placed a stone.

The game continued, magnetic stones slowly taking up the tiny 19 by 19 board, making a 'click' sound instead of the traditional 'pachi!' on kaya wood. The Mejin branched from the left. Sai built a defence on the lower half. The Meijin placed a stone to invade White's territory. Sai responded by attaching and confront the threat. They fought over the top and circled a star. They played a game of push and pull around the tengen.

Hikaru placed stone after stone, listening to the voice murmuring softly in his head with instructions. He watched the game appear in front of him, and it was brilliant, and it still wasn't the best game Sai and the Meijin could play.

Sai attacked the upper left. The Meijin invaded the lower right. The two opponents swirled round and round each other's patterns, curving in and out with devastating patience.

At some point the door opened and closed as Touya-sensei's wife came back, but saw that they were intent on only the game, and walked out again. Talked to the doctors and leaving the sign to discourage any visitors. The game went from chuban to yose with a steady fight.

Atari. Hane. Attach. Attack. Evade. Defend.

It was a very complicated high-level game. The two players evaluating each other out as the game progressed. Sai fought with a burning ambition and the Meijin sank deeper and deeper into his game as the stones gathered more and more on the small plastic board.

Slowly, when the board was just about half way through yose, the Meijin leaned back and gazed at the game intently.

" I resign." The older man murmured.

_Thank you for the game._ Sai whispered back.

" Thank you for the game." Hikaru repeated.

" Thank you for the game." The older Touya said, the looked from the board to the unmoving pro.

The multi-title holder watched the boy with speculative eyes and waited. When the young pro made no attempt to converse, instead the boy was till staring at the game, head bent. " Shindou." The Meijin finally said.

Slowly the boy raised his head and turned to stare at him. Then a hand reached out landed on the board, swiping the stones off with a well practice movement.

" Your game..." If that was the skill of the boy then why did he choose to hide it? The level of talent apparent in the game, this time undisguised, was powerful. Coming up against that wall without warning, there was no wonder Akira had stumbled. " You're skill..."

But the boy was shaking his head frantically. " No, not me." The boy said, laughing nervously. " I'm not this good." The boy took the plastic goban, turned it over, and sticking it right under the table edge, swiped all the magnetic stones into the hollow middle.

" Why hide it?" the titleholder asked solemnly and with an underlying fierceness.

A new competitor, after all this time. Someone new, with inventive, challenging Go that did not back down or waver in the force of his convictions. An intensity that brought the Hand of God closer. Sitting back on the bed, arms crossed in front of him, the hands hidden in the sleeves fisted.

" This skill, it isn't me." The young pro insisted, but this time with a strong steady voice. He snapped the portable board closed and shoved it into his pocket.

The Meijin felt bereft. The goban had been tiny, the Go pieces of wrong texture, and the traditional sound of the game had been different, but that board had just seen a game that revived a dream he had thought long improbable.

" That game." Hikaru said resolutely standing up. " That was Sai."

The Meijin stared firmly into his eyes; the questions clear in the gaze. Hikaru swallowed, but Sai's unmoving silent figure next to him and the flood of warmth swirling in his mind brought him support.

" Sai was, he's..."

Hikaru did not know how to start. The secret, the secret he had been hiding for so long, he was telling his secret! The Meijin might not believe him, but Hikaru had to convince him. Because he knew, there was a look in the Meijin's eyes, that at the very least, he would listen to him to the very end.

An incorporeal hand settled on his comfortingly. Hikaru took heart, this was no time to back down; it was not just his future in effect. He was taking a chance for all three of them.

" Fujiwara no Sai was a Go Instructor to the Emperor 1000 years ago in Japan. He lived for Go. He loved the game. He believed in the Hand of God." Hikaru spoke the words carefully, taking care not to rush like he wanted to.

He had not known how much he wanted someone else to know until this moment. The words threatened to tumble out in incoherent sentences, but he pushed them back. He was finally going to let someone know. He wasn't going to have to carry the secret _alone_ any more.

" When he died young, due to a tragic cause, he was not satisfied." Some details did not need to be told, " He wished to play more Go and his love of the game allowed him to attach himself a Goban. And he stayed there until a young boy who was able to see him set him free, and allowed him to continue to play the game."

" Shindou..."

Hikaru shook his head. " Sai stands next to me now." He said, motioning to his right. " I'm the only one who can see him. He taught me through his Go. But I'm not him."

The teenager started into the eyes of the older pro silently, willing him to understand. There was a long silence. Tears welled up in his eyes as it dragged on.

_He's not believing me!_ His sight became blurry.

Twin arms with billowing sleeves engulfed him in their embrace. _Oh, Hikaru. You tried. That's everything._

" You have to believe me. You just played a game against him. You can't say he doesn't exist." He said desperately. " You know he exists. You must feel it, just like Touya!"

Sai's voice was as warm as his hug and tears spilled over from his eyes. He clenched his fists in his pockets and glared at the blurry blob.

_He doesn't believe me! What can I do? I tried everything. Sai I failed you._

_You could never fail me Hikaru._

His breath hitched and a comforting weight settled on top of his hair, different from the warmth of Sai's hands on his shoulders and the silky slide of his long hair. Hikaru blinked away the blurriness and brought his hands up to wipe away the tears. He looked up to see with clear eyes that the Meijin had reached out and placed an open hand on top of his head.

" Have you told my son?" He asked.

Hikaru shook his head. "...He doesn't need to know."

" And I do?"

Hikaru meet the Meijin's eyes in the warmth of Sai's arms and that was enough. " You wouldn't play him otherwise. Seriously. He really wants to play you, Touya-sensei." He said earnestly. " He's reaching for the Hand of God."

The Meijin stilled then relaxed. " I'll believe you, Shindou-kun. Because skill and intensity can not come from where there is nothing."

Hikaru could sense both his and Sai's amazement. " Yatta!" He yelled and turning to Sai, was swung around in a circle. The two of them were jubilant. They did a victory dance.

Touya-sensei chuckled and that brought them back to the present. Hikaru flushed but smiled blindingly back.

" I would also like to play a game against you, Shindou-kun."

Hikaru blinked. " Me?"

" Yes, I am also interested in your Go." The older Touya replied.

He flushed again, this time in a mix of embarrassment, disbelief, and pride. Sai hide his grin behind his fan. " Um...sure." He agreed awkwardly. " Um...when do you want to play?"

A murmur of conversations was heard from past the door and the locked clicked open to reveal Touya Akiko and Ogata Pro. The Meijin and Hikaru turned to face the newcomers.

" You're still here." Touya-sensei's wife said smiling gently at him.

" I-I was just leaving!" Hikaru said. " I'll, um, see you next time Touya-sensei."

He rushed past the other two adults, bowing in farewell before leaving the room.

" What a sweet boy." He heard as he walked away.

" That was the second time Shindou visited you, wasn't it Sensei?"

" Ah, he was just being polite."

" I hope you didn't stress yourself, Kouyo."

_**. : two roads diverged : .**_


End file.
